TIME FOR ANSWERS...
by THE COLT
How many times am I going to read the same thing over and over about the new proposed ESPN/Slater ‘rebel’ tour? I mean everyday the same story, same information, same people, same mags writing the same thing over and over without any closure. It’s like eating your own vomit time and time again. We get it. ESPN is looking at starting a new style of tour, so does everyone, seriously EVERYONE have to write the same freakin’ thing? Every article saying they don’t have the answers, they spoke with so and so and they weren’t sure, or this guys worried and on and on. Well, guess what we finally got to to the bottom of it all! Fed up with it all we got on the phone, called Kelly about the incident and said we wouldn’t hang up until it’s sorted. Well something wierd unfolded with Slater telling us things had changed, and this tour is now with Mark ‘Chopper’ Reid. We thought WTF? Slater was talking pretty sheepishly like something big had gone down. Being mates of the big guy we tracked him down in his little Tassie home and gave him a tingle…
G’day Chop, how are ya mate?
“How the fuck are ya’s?”
Mate we’re good. We’ve been chasing a story about the ‘rebel’ surf tour that’s been floating around the traps and we’ve been told to give you a call. We spoke with Slater earlier today but he was pretty shaken up and said you had some answers. What’s going on chief?
“hahahahahaha yeah fucken Slater, he’s a good guy but I’m a better one. There’s been so much debate, hype and talk gettin’ round the fuckin place talkin about this new anti AS-fucken-P rebel tour that Kelly and his crew are thinkin’ of runnin’. I was so sick of hearin’ the same shit with nothing actually fucken happenin so I stepped in to sort it fucken out. The only bloody rebel tour that’s gettin round town is me. Forget Slater’s tour bloody rebel sport bullshit, he aint’ the man in fucken charge, they took too bloody long to sort this shit out and someone had to step in. I’m the fucker that’s organizin it now.”
That’s crazy, ummmm I mean awesome mate. Why are you getting involved in all this stuff? I didn’t know you surfed.
“As far as I can see the current AS-fucken-P format is bullshit and missin’ the key areas of a real fucken sport. For one where are the fucken guns? When I paddle out in a comp, me 42 calibre gets me into the fucken final everytime. No shit of a lie. I remember back in 84 when I was smashin’ it up with the boys at the local Roo Island boardriders and this little fucker Bartoz paddled out into the lineup during the first heat. He paddled over and told me he was the one to beat ’cause he was almost on the WQ-fucken-S’. Bullshit I told the prick, I leaned over and pistol whipped the little fucker, broke his nose and cheek bone. He shut the fuck up then, paddled in and disappeared for a few years. I fucken won that day and I’ve loved the sport ever since.”
Ummm that’s great Chop, good to hear mate, but what about this current rebel tour, what’s going on there? Everyone’s in a stoop and carrying on not knowing what’s happening…
“Sorry boyz, me stories get me fucken goin’ and I get all excited again. hahahahahahaha. Back to me fucken rebel tour…how many fucken media places want to talk about the same fucken bullshit day in day out? I was sick of the fucken carry on so I decided I’d sort the fucken thing out meself. You ready for the fucken answers to the big questions?”
Yes please Chop Chop…
“We’ve got the ‘Chopper’ pro tour sorted with ESPN and will be taking off some time soon. I pick 16 hard mother fuckers to compete for the title and the big prize money and a few other fucken goodies. Each heat’ll have two hard pricks surfing in one on one heats and the loser gets knifed by one of me heavies. Wont kill the prick, just stab the fucker so that next heat he’s gonna have to work even harder. hahahahahahaha I’ll cap it at three stabs so they don’t get too fucked up cause we need em for each event. I know from experience they’ll be fucken fine from three hits. The winner gets a massive fucken supply of cash, a few of me connections, a fucken radical double action shottie and fucken sweet ass harley. It’s fucken all time!”
Sounds killer bro. So who’s sponsoring the whole thing?
“Don’t ever call me bro again ya fucker, me names Chop airight… Now, I’ve got the backin’ of a heap of sponno’s that owe me favours round the joint and they’ve heaps of fucken’ coin that they shouldn’t have, so they’re doing what I say or I’ll kill the bastards. After a few meetings they’ve become very keen to get involved with it all and we’ve come to a deal where they can travel through all the destinations partyin’ and doin’ what they do best and they can prob even make more money of the back of it, if you get me drift.”
Yeah nice. So what happened to Slater and his managers involvement? How did you come in and take over?
“Like I said I fucken snapped the other day when I kept hearing the same shit stories being shot around the place. So when I made up me mind that I was gettin involved I met with Terry fucken Hardy. Within 15 minutes of him carryin’ on and gettin’ nowhere I smacked him across the face and told him to shut the fuck up! There’s no need for fucken every idiot to be talkin’ shit about this tour without making somethin’ happen. Told him Chop is takin’ over so he shut the fuck up, packed his fuckin bags, and went cryin’ over to Mat Tinleys house. Never heard from em since? hahahahahahaha I’m not that bad of a person ya know. I’m just tryin’ to make shit better for everyone…”
You are Chop. Thanks for your time and is there anything else you want to let us know?
“hahahahaha, to all you fuckers that don’t know what the fuck is happenin, hearin the same shit every other fucken day, you now know. I’m fucken Chopper and this is the fucken ‘Chopper’ tour. You’ll get ya invites soon and you don’t be sayin’ NO. Can’t wait to see me fucken’ boys CJ & TAJ and me mate Slater. We’re all mates at the end of it all.”
Sweet! Look forward to it Chop Chop. Thanks for clearing it up once and for all…
“Yep, no worries fella’s…”
So there you have it. It’s all sorted, so no matter what you read or hear from here on in the debate is sorted. Time for the carry on to finish.
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